Since this forum died...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Stafford Hospital .

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was
there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church
steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment
before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'








WAIT! WAIT! There's more…


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





(. . .. Wait for it ...)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, “Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your
neighbour?”






The old man replied, “Yep! None of us could get the jar open!”

Remember that satellite that recently was gonna drop a 300# chunk ..... somewhere - maybe Canada, maybe India, maybe Washington State .... but it was gonna fall "somewhere"? And, there was "only a 1/3200 chance" that it would injure somebody? Then, NASA announced that it had fallen to earth, but they didn't know where? Well, here's the straight skinny.









http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,

"It's okay boys. He's one of us."